I wrote: Being Meaning

I wrote a poem the other day. I'm usually not big into poetry, but for some reason, this seemed to fit a need of mine. It is titled Being Meaning.

The universe is cold
unfeeling
A void devoid of meaning
It is thoughtless chaos
Raging about us as we hold on to something
This brings me
comfort
Because my charge is now to do my part
to bring meaning
Love 
Order
to this existence 

Thirty-one Days of Lovecraft: Day Nine

I did a lot of reading to get back on track and learned that Lovecraft did NOT like New York. Like, at all. He did like twisted tales of horror though, so perchance it evens out? Read on for some Lovecraft analysis and a poem of my own!

Thirty-one days of Lovecraft: Day Seven

I don't know how or why I came up with this

Full disclosure, I did not get to my reading target today. Instead, I'll give you something incredibly nerdy. Here is some original writing, a Lovecraftian take on the Eagles song 'Tequila Sunrise'.

My Truck and Coheed

In short, for the murders of those I court
I bless the hour that holds your fall
I will kill you all
                 -Coheed and Cambria, The Crowing

“We carried on, unnoticed
 Thinking that all dreams were ours for the taking”
                   -Coheed and Cambria, Atlas

Not going to lie, Claudio's hair is another reason why I love the band.

 My Truck and Coheed 

I think just about everyone has “their band”. I also think just about everyone has “their car”. Both are equally statements about who we are. Both are equally marketed to us. And while, I would not go so far as to say that your band and your car make you who you are, I think they go along way in demonstrating that.

I found both my car and my band at the same time. It was 2005. I had been driving a 1985 Nissan Dodson Pickup. Now, I loved this truck, despite the fact that it 1) did not have a functioning radio, let alone CD player; 2) had no air conditioning; 3) had no cruise control; 4) had very little in terms of horsepower; and 5) suffered from a continually slipping generator belt which either caused a loud squealing noise to come out of the engine or make it impossible to start.

I loved that truck for the simple reason that it was my first vehicle. It was my first taste of freedom. And it did (generator belt issues notwithstanding) run really well. I drove it to school, gave friends rides home, and when I graduated high school, made the 2,000 mile trek from Lake Stevens, WA to Carbondale, IL. No radio, no A/C, no problem. I simply rolled down the window and sang songs that I knew from memory.

A person’s first vehicle is also a sanctuary of sorts, and it’s where one’s musical tastes can shine. The 1985 Dodson was probably the oldest car in the student lot at high school, and I am even more sure it was the only one without a functioning audio system. I couldn’t even listen to the radio. This did not seem to deter friends from wanting a ride, and my truck was often full of four kids and we chatted away to pass the time.

So, it wasn’t until 2005 that I upgraded that I was able to find that musical sanctuary. My parents purchased for me a 2000 Nissan Frontier. It was black. It was higher up than the Dodson. It was bigger. And, it had a functioning audio system.

2005 was a big year of change for me. After two years of living on campus at Southern Illinois University, I moved off campus into an apartment. I was to have my own room. I had to cook on my own. I could keep my own hours without worrying about waking a roommate. And I also got really, really, really into Coheed and Cambria.

Lacking for a musical sanctuary, my musical tastes in high school were tame. I liked classic rock. Journey, Foreigner and U2 were my go-to bands, and this more or less reflected the tastes of my Dad (though, I am more fond of U2 than he is). I could really only listen to music in my room, and not having an iPod or anything like that, I played it fairly safe.

But now, there was no need for that. One of my roommates introduced me to Coheed, and the rest, they say, is history. It’s possible that any band I was introduced to during that year could have become my favorite, because now I could play music in my truck, sing along with reckless abandon.

Coheed and Cambria, for the uninitiated, is a “concept band”. While some bands will complete a “concept album”, in which the songs tell a story, Coheed’s entire discography was a continuation of the story. The story that they tell, without getting into the specifics is a very violent space opera, which follows the main character Claudio in his quest to avenge his murdered parents, Coheed and Cambria.

It also rocks.

For me, it was the perfect band to break into and declare independence from my old self. It was much harder rock than I was used to, the songs were gloriously violent, and maybe above all else, they were mine.

Coheed and Cambria gets some radio play, but I’ve never really considered them to be “big”. I had friends who liked them, but for the most part when I talk about them, I get blank states or, “oh yeah, I think I’ve heard of them.”

As the years went on, I bought more and more of their albums. I purchased the four-disc “Neverender” Live Shows. When Afterman: Ascension came out, it ended up in my truck’s CD player for months until Descension came out. I did listen to other bands, but the one that by far got the most play in the truck was Coheed and Cambria.

In the fall of 2014, I got to listen to Coheed in my truck for the final time. In the midst of all of this, I had changed careers, I had gotten married, and my wife and I were headed to Bozeman to trade in the Nissan Frontier for a Nissan Rogue. It wouldn’t be my truck, but our car. My wife doesn’t like Coheed, and I don’t care for country music, and so our road trips are usually soundtracked with podcasts. As I drove down Montana 16 to pick her up in Glendive, I took full advantage and blasted Second Stage Turbine Blade the whole way.

Of course, bands change as well. In October of 2015, Coheed released The Color Before the Sun, which departed from the Armory Wars saga, and was a stand alone album. The songs did not refer back to anything, they could just be taken as they were. The album was good, I have listened to it several times (even in the car, usually when driving by myself). But, far and away, my favorite song on The Color Before the Sun is ‘Atlas’. Atlas is a song that Claudio Sanchez penned to his newborn son. I really think it’s a beautiful song, and his love for his son really comes through in the piece. The song really resonated with me a year later, when Kodi and I learned we would have our first child. That was when the lines near the end of the song really started to mean something to me. The last verse, repeated once is this:

 There's no running away from what's been done, here
 Will you sink with the ship, or will you burn it down?
 Now, give us the man that you've been hiding
 'Cause this is your, this is your life, this is your life, now

 To me, this line, which seems on its face to be kind of violent and out of place in a song dedicated to your newborn, is actually a really touching reminder to Claudio, and to any dad. It’s time to be responsible. There’s no running away from it, it’s a big moment in your life. It’s up to you to make the most of it. Will you sink with the ship, or will you burn it down, is basically asking if the father will stay or destroy what he’s built. If there’s any doubt to the answer to that question, it’s answered in the next line. “Give us the man that you’ve been hiding” is a call for the man inside to come out. The man who will take responsibility, to provide, to do right by mother and child, that person needs to come out. The line,”This is your life now” probably does not need much of an explanation.

I listen to Atlas from time to time, and it has become one of my favorite Coheed and Cambria songs. It is by far the one I can connect to the most. Each time I listen to it, I feel something slightly different.

Coheed is going back into the Armory Wars. Vaxis Part One: Unheavenly Creatures is set to come out this week. I have loved the songs that have been released, and Unheavenly Creatures is such an insanely fun song, that it’s reminded me of all the reasons I loved the band in the first place. That song in particular has a sort of Favor House Atlantic vibe to it, The lyrics are fun, the pace is fast, the vocals are loud, the melody is unique. I sometimes felt during the Afterman albums that the band was taking themselves to seriously, and the songs weren’t as fun as they could be. I think that the Armory Wars deals with big issues and themes, and some seriousness is needed (it is about war, after all) but, one of the things that made Coheed work was that they clearly were having fun with their work. Their songs weren’t all dreary and nihilistic, there was a hopeful vibe to a lot of their stuff, and above all it was music that was simply fun to listen to.

I think the best example of this, might be The Crowing, which is quoted above. It’s a song about fulfilling destiny, and doing what needs to be done. And the way in which vengeance is promised is downright poetic.

I’m glad that Coheed is finding its groove once again, and I hope it continues. As for me, I might just have to find some reason to go on some solo road trips. There’s just something about the combination of the open road and Coheed that I can’t seem to resist.

How I made my college decision

Pulliam Hall at Southern Illinois University. I loved studying in the library at night and looking at the clock tower.

On Wednesday, a senior asked me how I decided to attend Montana State.It’s a valid question, given that as a senior, this student is probably struggling, or at the least wrestling, with the decision of what to do after high school. She isn’t the only one in the class.

However, the Montana State question is easy. My family all went there (mom, dad, brother, an uncle, cousins). When I went to get my teaching degree, there was little doubt as to where I would go. I lived in Montana just long enough to get in-state tuition, and down to Bozeman I went.

The harder decision was where I would go to get my first degree. I ended up going to Southern Illinois University. But, it was not an easy decision, and I figured I might think back to when I was a senior and explain how I ended up in Carbondale, IL.

The first thing that you need to know about this is that when I began high school, I didn’t even know SIU was a place. And probably, from day one of high school, it was probably a safe bet that I would attend Washington State University. My sister had gone there, I became a huge Cougar fan, I loved Pullman, and since we moved to Lake Stevens, I would get in-state tuition. Even when I was getting information from colleges, I didn’t really think I would go anywhere else. I was, it seemed, destined for Pullman.

My first bit of advice would be to get information. From anywhere. Literally. They’ll send it to you for free. I’d see a commercial that talked about Maine, and the next week I would have received my requested informational packet from the University of Maine. I got stuff from colleges in New Mexico. Iowa, California, probably Alaska. I wanted as much information as I could get. Plus, it is free.

You see, even though I knew I wanted to go to Washington State, I wanted to see what else was out there. I’m the type of person that doesn’t mind shaking things up. Also, by the time I became an upperclassmen, I got a serious case of wanderlust, and I wanted to see someplace new. I probably thought in the back of my mind, I would still go to WSU, but I liked to imagine what else was out there. I didn’t have much direction, more of an all-consuming need for all the information.

And then, the 2002 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament happened.

I love college basketball. It’s one of my favorite sports to watch. And when March Madness rolls around, I get into it. I mean, I seriously consider calling in sick for the tournaments opening games so that I can watch as much basketball as humanly possible. Like anyone else that loves the tournament, I get hooked on those Cinderella teams, and that year, Cinderella wore maroon.

Out of the Missouri Valley, the eleventh seeded Southern Illinois Salukis got their first upset when they downed Texas Tech 76-68. Two days later, the Salukis proved they weren’t one shot wonders, and they took down three seeded Georgia in a nail-biter, 77-75.

It’s one thing to get an upset in the first round, but to get two in a row is a lot for a program like SIU. You get a week of coverage. The school’s name is all over the news. And for a basketball-crazed junior who was wanting to explore the country, an obscure college town in the Midwest that was nicknamed the Salukis was right up my alley.

It was a rainy day in March or April, I’m going to guess a week after SIU’s two upsets, that I was in the guidance counselor’s office looking for colleges. I wanted to go into journalism, possibly work in radio. So, I searched for radio/television programs. To my surprise, Southern Illinois University was on the list. I said to my friend, “Oh, they’re like the Saluskis or something.” Using my “Ask everyone for information” policy, I asked them for information. A week later, I got a packet in the mail.

SIU had a top ten program for radio-television. It was in a small college town (something I was looking for). It was far away, which for me was a plus at the time. I arranged a college visit. My mom and I flew out to Carbondale, I think in May. I toured around campus, met some people in the R/TV program, and honestly, it just felt right.

Campus visits are important. I had been on a few. I remember touring the University of Wyoming (who, if they had kept their journalism program, probably would have gotten me, because I fell in love with Laramie and its scenery). I toured Oregon State University, and didn’t feel the same connection. I toured Washington State and I liked it, but it felt overly familiar. So, that’s my next bit of advice. Go to the college. Sit in on a class if you can. Talk with people. Spend the night. Find a local restaurant. Take in a sporting event. Try to imagine yourself on the campus, going through the campus bookstore, chatting with friends on the quad. I think the college that is right for you will literally grab you and say, “Here, you’ll be home.”

It was a lesson I didn’t fully learn until halfway through my freshman year at SIU. I was going through a serious bout of homesickness, and missing my family. One of my friends said, “We’re your family too.” And it was absolutely true. The bonds you make on a college campus are incredible. You will meet the most interesting people, you will have the most amazing experiences. You should want all of this to happen in a place that feels right to you.

I didn’t make my decision fully until December of my senior year. I had applied to five schools gotten into all of them, and then weighed my options. It is not an easy decision. But, I thought about the places I could go, the opportunities I had at each one, and ultimately decided on SIU. It was the best fit for what I wanted at the time. It was a small college town, it was far away, it had a great program for what I was looking for, and the basketball program was good. It checked all the boxes. Also, and again, this is probably the biggest thing: it felt right being on campus. One night in December I pretended to fall asleep on the couch and listened to my parents. They talked about where I was going to go. My dad guessed SIU. They seemed to agree. I think I told them a week later.

And so, then I got to go through the rigmarole of filling out housing applications, deciding on meal plans, registering for courses and what not. In August, my Dad and I set off for Carbondale, driving cross-country. I got their a week early for band camp, and the rest, as they say, is history.

Quick side note: when you go to college, JOIN SOMETHING. A fraternity or sorority, a group, the marching band, a club, something. College is massive and you will be around more people than you’ve ever known before, and you don’t know how good it feels to be walking through this sea of people, not knowing where you’re going, starting to miss home, wondering if you can cut it at college, when suddenly someone says, “Hey, what’s up!” It means the world. No joke, I took marching band and I had 100 friends before school even started. Be involved in the campus community.

This doesn’t mean, as you might have gleaned, that you won’t miss home. Going off on your own is a huge step. At SIU, at times, I was so homesick that I thought about transferring. But, ultimately, I had made some great friends and had some great opportunities at SIU and I decided to stay. I’m glad I did. Carbondale and SIU has worked its way into my heart. I recently read a column in The Southern Illinoisan titled, “Embrace SIU like the magical place that it is". And Carbondale and SIU truly were a magical place for me. I think back at my favorite study spot (top floor of the library, overlooking Pulliam Hall’s clocktower), the times at Quatro’s with my fraternity brothers, the long nights in the Comm Building putting together a radio show, the absolute insanity of SIU Arena when we hit a lay-up with 0.5 seconds left to beat Bradley, the times hanging out in the SUB, the week of band camp in the heat and humidity, going on wine trails, catching a baseball game on ‘The Hill’, studying the night sky on top of the sciences building, getting to know people from all walks of life in the Residence Halls, running around Campus Lake, camping out all night in front of the new Buffalo Wild Wings, staying up late and having those BS philosophical discussions that can only really happen in your twenties, learning that I did actually like biscuits and gravy from Mary Lou’s, and so much more.

See, while SIU and Carbondale are magical places for me, you have to think about what place is going to be magical for you. College is where you become you. You round out interests, make friends, have experiences (some good, some bad. It’s called being a human). It is the place where you will undergo a transformation into a new type of person.

Maybe that magical place is nearby. Maybe it’s the place that you have always dreamed of going to. Maybe it’s a place that you’ve never heard of. Wherever that is, I hope the college you decide is a great fit for you, and you find that place that you can call home. I hope this helps you in your decision making, at least seeing how I came to my decision. But really, choosing a college is a personal decision. What worked for me, might not work for you, and your criteria for what you want in a school may be different from the person sitting next to you. In a sense, it’s almost like choosing a serious boyfriend or girlfriend. Your criteria is your criteria. And maybe your friend will ask, “What do you see in that place/him/her,” and as long as you’re happy, it works.

Unless you go to Montana. Or Creighton. Who could ever stand those places?

I Write: NaNoWriMo 2011: Update 2....uh, hey, I won!

I thought that I was going to give more updates here as I progressed through NaNoWriMo this year. Maybe give some insights into how I felt it was going, what I liked about my characters and the such.

I did not do that. Instead, I won.

Winning at NaNoWriMo is such a great feeling. I really wanted to high-five people, but didn't think anyone would understand. Its hard work to write 50,000 words in one month, and especially when one has school and work to do as well. (It should be noted that no assignment was late, and I got high marks on papers written in November. It would be interesting to see how many words total I wrote in the month.)

Much like the time that I won in 2009, the story was not finished at 50,000 words. I think at least another 10,000 will be needed to finish it. Originally I planned for this to be two books, but decided to make it one. I say at least 10,000 now, but it may be more. Hey, A Song of Ice and Fire was supposed to be three books when George R.R. Martin first planned it out. Book 5 was released this summer.

That to me sums up the exciting part of writing creatively. You might say "I am going to write a 50,000 word story" and then you get to that point and realize that there is just no way the story is done. Maybe characters have started to do things differently than you expected. Maybe a minor character has acted out in a way you did not plan for. It might seem odd to those of you who do not write that this could happen. After all, doesn't the author control the story? Shouldn't characters behave the way the author intends? Not necessarily. I think that when you start writing out characters, certain things begin to change. In your head, you have a rough outline of who this person is. Think about it this way, if I were to describe my best friend as if he were a character it would not even come close to describing the actual person. It would have details, yes, but there would be so much more in terms of little quirks or habits, back stories filled with interesting experiences, and chance encounters with people. A character in a story faces the same things and so he can change and the story changes with it.

To give a brief synopsis of the story (so far) we have our pirate, Erik Dolmonson, who is second in command to one of the most famous pirate captain's of all time. When an attempted mutiny goes bad, one of the rebelious crew members slips that he would prefer Dolmonson to be the captain. The captain (John Cotter) decides to maroon Dolmonson on an island. Unbeknownst to Cotter though, the island is the den for another pirate crew, this one now led by Captain Olivia Rickheardt. While pouring over the previous captain's log and posessions, they discover maps of the uncharted lands beyond the "Dead Calm" a region of the far southern sea in which the wind does not blow and there is no current. Theorizing that the new found maps and charts explain how to get across the Dead Calm, they believe that Captain Cotter leaves his treasure there, as where he keeps his treasure has been a closely guarded secret. Currently the crew headed by Rickheardt (which Dolmonson has joined) is headed for the eastern sea, but first must navigate the "Red Cape" a dangerous stretch of sea known for its brutal winds and rocks.

I have had some people ask to read it, and I would be willing to do that. Let me finish it first, obviously. I'd also like to give it a bit of editing. For instance, I think halfway through, I begin referring to the "Dead Calm" as the "Dead Zone". I do realize of course that people who read it can also help with the editing with their suggestions and criticisms. I'll keep you guys posted.

Until then, its Finals week, but I should post some more in the next few days. I've done more reading for one thing. I can't wait to share with you.

I write: NaNoWriMo 2011 Update 1

It is the 8th day of November, and with a word count just above 13,333 (but JUST above) I am currently on pace to win National Novel Writing Month for the second time. Obviously, a lot of time left. 22 days to either get to the 50,000 word mark or to leave my story left unfinished.

Here's what I am noticing about writing: it is a process. In just about every book I've ever read about writing the author stresses the importance of writing every single day. Let me just say that this is incredibly hard, even when there's a deadline approaching. Its one thing, I think, to write out a homework assignment or essay for class, but to write creatively every day can be extremely hard.

I do find myself some mornings not wanting to write in my story. I usually say "I'll write 500 words" (a decent sprint for me, doesn't take long to write them) to try and get into the flow. The daily word total is roughly 1,667 words so I figure three sets of 500 will get me close. Usually, when I shoot for 500 words, I go over a little anyways, so I get closer to my goal. Though on mornings, like today, I find that it was very much so a struggle to get to 1,667 words. While yesterday, the words poured out of me to the tune of 3,300, today I slogged through the bare minimum.

I think its a signal to me that the story needs to get moving. I've lingered in this one location for long enough, Its time for my characters to go off and do other things, maybe interact with different people. Its time to advance my plot thats in my head. When I was coming up with the base outline of this story, I had a couple of starting points in mind. I actually started writing a few days before that in the narrative. I suppose I could take this to be that I have a 13,333 word head start (will probably be about 15,000 before I get to where I would have originally started the story).

It has been fun writing in this beginning part of the story. I got to introduce a theme that I wanted to be part of the story, and also set up another theme that I'd consider to be the story's overall point. When this becomes a best seller, you'll all be able to discuss what a genius I am, no doubt.

A frustrating day of sorts on the novelling front, but its time to get this story moving. Tomorrow will bring a new day and hopefully some new beginnings for Tattered Sails.

I (will) write: NaNoWriMo 2011

After a hilariously failed attempt in 2010 (I think I got 3,000 words) I am back at it this year. NaNoWriMo begins in two weeks and I am starting to develop my characters and world, but not so much a plot. That will hopefully come. I'm writing about pirates. If you were to read a story about pirates, what would you expect to be in it?

I also find myself thinking about my 2009 win, and how I want to alter it a bit. I'm excited about some of the ideas. That one was a fantasy story featuring druids, which could control the four elements (water, air, fire, earth) but also dealt with a little about religion. I would go into what I might change more, but I think there are two people in the world who have read it (I include myself) so....no sense there. If/when I tackle a rewrite, I'll discuss it more.

Sorry about the lack of posts. Work and school make me busy, and even though this is supposed to feature what I've read, I find myself not wanting to write more about it any more then I have to. Maybe it will be what I read for fun.