A decade in retrospect

Ten years ago, I wrote a blogpost for the now defunct TubaSaluki site titled, “Well that Decade was Shit”. And it’s possible that the last few months of that decade were coloring things a bit. I had lost a job, was living with my parents, and had little idea of what was in store for me. 

I did what was probably the best thing I could do, which was hit send on the post and then went to Seattle to drink with friends. It was, as I recall, a good time. And while I didn’t receive a kiss that New Year’s, it was not long until I had a new job, and then suddenly a girlfriend, then a wife, and then a second degree, and then a new career, and now as I write this, I am trying to get my oldest daughter to take a nap.

A lot can change in ten years.

This is what could be called my Montana decade. I moved there in January of 2010, and there I remain. Sometimes there are pressures and longings to come back to Washington, but it’s hard to just discard a life built. My common refrain in answer to these queries, whether from friends or from myself is that, “If it were just me...”

That it isn’t just me is the biggest and best change from this decade. Given that Kodi and I started dating soon after I moved to Havre, we are coming up on ten years together. She’s put up with my whims and moods, frustrations and triumphs. I will never know how I became so lucky to be married to such a wonderful person.

Together this decade, we weathered the storm of infertility. We made monthly pilgrimages to Billings, and after a long stretch of frustration and tears, we finally were pregnant. Now two and a half, Zoey is a bundle of energy, a character, a joy. She’s been joined by Abigail, who at three months old is developing her personality. One of the things I most look forward to in the next decade is watching those two grow up. 

I changed careers this past decade. I knew early on in my time in Havre that radio news would not cut it for me. I went to Montana State and earned a teaching degree, and acquired a new set of friends who took me in, despite me being a bit older than them. 

I went into teaching and have been in one teaching job. This is year six in Savage, so I can rightly say that I’ve spent over half a decade there. I’ve watched students grow and develop, from junior high kids into young men and women. I usually cap the year by grabbing a piece of cake from graduation and heading into my classroom to eat it and read the thank you notes the seniors wrote me. This way I can tear up in peace, and recompose myself before heading home. I hope I’ve made a difference in their lives. I know they’ve made a difference in mine. 

Overall, this was a great decade for me. Though, much like ten years ago, I don’t know what is in store for the future. But the same can be said for each decade.

Here’s to another ten trips around the sun.

I wrote: Being Meaning

I wrote a poem the other day. I'm usually not big into poetry, but for some reason, this seemed to fit a need of mine. It is titled Being Meaning.

The universe is cold
unfeeling
A void devoid of meaning
It is thoughtless chaos
Raging about us as we hold on to something
This brings me
comfort
Because my charge is now to do my part
to bring meaning
Love 
Order
to this existence 

Why I hated last night's Game of Thrones

At the beginning of this current season, George R.R. Martin was quoted as saying that he thought the show could go for a few more seasons. I interpreted this as him wishing he had finished the books and that maybe he could finish at least the next one in that time span. Perhaps Martin thought he could complete his series in that time, but that’s optimistic. I thought it was Martin being a little sour grapes about the whole thing. And then, last night happened, and suddenly, Martin’s request looks pretty much like, "They don’t have enough time to finish this properly." And he was right.

Game of Thrones ignored its own writing, own character arcs, and own mythology in favor of a dragon roasting a city for literally no reason. Some people say that this shows how Daenerys has turned into the Mad Queen, completing foreshadowing that has been a long time coming. I say that they missed several steps along the way. I also would argue that Dany’s is not the only character arc that was entirely thrown out the window in the name of making whatever that nonsense was last night.

Daenerys Targaryen, First of Her Name, yadda yadda, has been, above all, a defender of the innocent. Within the Dothraki, she ended the practice of raping women after defeating a city. She liberated slaves. She earned the moniker of ‘Mother’. She has come to cities before that have not shown her love, that have scorned her for being foreign, and she fought for what was right. In King’s Landing, in the city and kingdom she wants to rule, she throws all that away. It reeks of lazy writing. It seems like the show writers needed Dany to be evil, so they showed her roasting innocents. She clearly hears the bells signaling that the city has surrendered, and she burns the city to the ground anyways. All she needed to do was fly to the Red Keep, kill Cersei, and take the throne. She chose destruction.

There have been, not so much hints, but huge red flags that Dany’s homecoming isn’t as sweet as she would like. The Northerners clearly don’t trust her. Sansa says as much. After the Battle of Winterfell, people clearly rally around Jon. Combined with knowing exactly who Jon really is, Dany feels uneasy. All of this is understandable, but it doesn’t add up to burning all of King’s Landing. After the march down south, Dany is ambushed by the Iron Fleet through some sort of plot magic. There’s no way that the fleet of ships should have remained undetected from above, and there’s no way the scorpions should have been as effective as they are (more on this in a moment). In a moment, a second dragon is killed, her fleet destroyed, and her best friend, Missandei, is captured. Later, she is killed. (Side note: the writers of the show did Missandei no favors either. She could have jumped to her death, choosing death, not dying a slave. I think it may have had the same effect, but the writers chose to rob one of the few women of color on the show a good death.)

In some sense, Dany’s paranoia matches the paranoia of her father, the Mad King. Varys is telling everyone who Jon really is. Her allies are falling (a continuation from Dorne’s falling and House Tyrell’s extinction). She doesn’t really know who to trust. But, this has literally always been the case for her. She’s always been outnumbered, always been a foreign ruler. She’s relied on advisers, like Tyrion (who has been holding the idiot ball for some reason this season). But, despite all this, Dany doesn’t do anything irrational until she unleashes dragon fire on countless innocents. The only hints to her madness are a close up after her friend is killed, slightly loose hair, and talk that she isn’t eating. A far cry from unhinged lunacy that was the trademark of her father.

In Episode 4, Daenerys shows up to the gates of King’s Landing with a small army. She looks pathetic, really. And she expects Cersei to surrender. For...reasons? Why would Cersei do that? The army before her is small. She has killed one of the two remaining dragons. Cersei has the Golden Company. There is no reason for her to surrender. Tyrion tells Dany that the small folk hate Cersei, but is that true? We’ve seen no evidence of it. Dany and Tyrion expect the citizens of King’s Landing to rebel, much like the slaves of Mereen did, but it fair to ask, what are they rebelling against? So, Dany, fresh off of executing Varys, attacks King’s Landing. And all of a sudden, the scorpions that deftly took down one dragon can’t work. Drogon makes quick work of the Iron Fleet. The Lannister men on the castle walls apparently don’t know how to operate the scorpions, because Drogon literally comes from inside the castle walls and destroys them all. The devices that were deftly maneuvered are suddenly cumbersome. All in the name of plot.

And then, Dany wins. The dothraki (who I thought died?) storm through. The Golden Company proves no match for weary northerners. And the bells ring. And then, she snaps. She turns on the innocent, the people she has sworn to protect. She burns women and children, groups she has sought to protect. She becomes the tyrant that she despised, the father she loathed, the Targaryen she swore she would not become. Dany has had cities at her mercy before, and she has chosen just that: mercy. She has given into fiery desires before (it's kind of her thing) but in most cases, you can argue that the receiving end deserved it. Even Randall and Dickon Tarly got what was coming to them. She gave them the chance to bend the knee and retain land and titles. They refused. Much like how she gave slavers and masters a chance to change their ways, when Randall stood defiant, he got dragon fire. The people of King’s Landing, did not stand defiant. They have not shown her any ill will. She burned them.

If this is where Dany’s arc was headed, that’s fine. But, there needs to be set up. Scenes of the smallfolk outwardly fearing her. Her offering food or shelter to those outside the walls and being scorned. There were some massive steps that were skipped. Dany has won the support of three of the most trustworthy and honorable men in the series: Tyrion, Jon, and Ser Davos. It’s quite possible that they will abandon her next week, but Tyrion and Jon are there when Varys faces dragon fire, and Davos is part of the attack. Dany clearly has allies, but she chooses to ignore them in favor of something that looks cool. Sidenote: Dany could have ruled after taking out the armies. She could have shown mercy. She could have flown to the Red Keep and taken the throne. The smallfolk would probably still be fearful, because, well dragons, but she would have shown mercy and maybe they begrudgingly accept her. If she’s afraid of Jon taking the throne, he has repeatedly said he doesn’t want it, and there is in show precedence for rightful heirs not taking the Iron Throne (his name was Aemon Targaryen). Jon has repeatedly stressed this. If anything, she could have won the war, realized people didn’t like her and it wasn’t going to work, and then go back to Essos where the population does admire her. It was not as if Dany didn’t have options. She chose the dumbest one because the writers want it to be a moment of triumph when the Dragon Queen falls.

At least Dany’s arc may have ended where it was headed. Unlike Jamie Lannister, whose character development was thrown out the window harder than he pushed Bran. Jamie starts off the series as an arrogant knight, but then becomes the model knight, fighting for what is right, protecting the innocent. Then, after the Battle of Winterfell, he goes to King’s Landing, not to kill Cersei (as prophesied by Maggy the Frog, which way to ignore one of the biggest prophecies in the entire show or book there writers), not to kill another Mad Targaryen, but to get in a fight with one of the worst characters on the show, and die in a collapsed tunnel with Cersei? What oath is he fulfilling? He reverts back to his old self. He callously leaves behind Brienne in order to, do what exactly? At least they give him a moment with Tyrion.

There are still a number of unknowns in all of this, with one episode to go. Chief among them is how does Daenarys rule? What happens after she dies (which will happen). What becomes of Sansa? What does Arya do? What about Brienne? Is Sam really done? Is Tormund? What of the Vale, the Riverlands, Dorne? Countless others. Game of Thrones was great because of the nuance, the maneuvering, and the well rounded characters. Instead, the final season has opted for giant set pieces that are amazing visually, but lack the substance of the show’s finer moments.

One last thing, it may be that the books are headed this way. In the books, Dany may well burn King’s Landing. After all, George R.R. Martin did give a rough outline of his ending to the show’s head writers. But, Martin’s ending will earn it. It will show Dany’s slow descent into madness, it will show the smallfolk resisting her. It will show the things that the show took for granted, and that will make all the difference.

Into 2019

Here we are, almost done with February, and I'm talking about entering the new year. So it goes.

A few things: I did indeed finish the H.P. Lovecraft Anthology. I mailed it to a friend so he could enjoy the works as I did. I found Lovecraft to be a good writer, though cringe worthy with his racism. The Shadow of Innsmouth in particular was just....gross, I think is the best way to put it.

To sort of cleanse the palate, I read Lovecraft County by Matt Ruff. The novel posits that Jim Crow and racism are just as horrible of monsters as anything Lovecraft could dream up. I highly recommend it.

As this is primarily a blog about reading and writing, I'll talk about my goals on that front. For reading, I want to read 70 books this year. I read 7 in January, so I believe I am off to a good start. My February load stands at two at the moment, but I feel like I'm about to finish a few books in the next few days.

A series that I started to tackle is The Expanse. I am currently about halfway through the third novel of that series, Abbadon's Gate. Leviathan's Wake and Caliban's War were terrific books. Though, fearing a burnout on what is an enjoyable series, after Abbadon's Gate, I will take a break from The Expanse. I'm planning on reading Black Leopard, Red Wolf.  I would say "next", but I am reading, no joke, five books at the moment. It's not so much next as it is, it'll join the rotation.

As far as reading goals for the year, I also want to read In Search of Lost Time. I have started the first volume and am enjoying Proust's prose.

I have begun grad school, which comes with a reading load of its own. I am also hoping to do more reading on rural education, which will be the focus of my professional paper.

As far as writing goes, I want to do more of it. I made a goal of journaling more at the beginning of the year, and have done none of that. I hope to rectify that situation. I also hope to work on a novel, and also work on my professional paper.

I also want to update more here. I want to do more book reviews, talk about writing, talk about my research. I assume that since it is my blog, I don't have to ask your permission.

Thirty-one Days of Lovecraft: Day 25

I have been busy the past two weeks. I've made two round-trips to Billings (three hours, each leg), flown out to Oregon, spent a few days on the coast, presented at a conference in Billings (second trip) and then, of course, have my regular teaching duties. As a result, I have fallen behind in Lovecraft. My goal is to still finish the anthology this month, although at this point, that will necessitate 100 page days. And yet, as busy as I've been and the task that I've laid before me, it pails in comparison to what was done by Randolph Carter and The Dream-Quest of Unknown Kadath.

Thirty-one Days of Lovecraft: Day 10

That is not dead which can eternal lie,
And with strange aeons even death may die....

In his house at R'lyeh dead Cthulhu waits dreaming.

Ah yes, boys and girls, it's Cthulhu day.

Thirty-one Days of Lovecraft: Day Nine

I did a lot of reading to get back on track and learned that Lovecraft did NOT like New York. Like, at all. He did like twisted tales of horror though, so perchance it evens out? Read on for some Lovecraft analysis and a poem of my own!

Thirty-One Days of Lovecraft: Day Eight

As we move into Day Eight, the Mythos gets set up a little more and there's just some general creepiness. After the jump!

Thirty-one days of Lovecraft: Day Seven

I don't know how or why I came up with this

Full disclosure, I did not get to my reading target today. Instead, I'll give you something incredibly nerdy. Here is some original writing, a Lovecraftian take on the Eagles song 'Tequila Sunrise'.

Thirty-One Days of Lovecraft: Day Six

I thought, given that the stories are getting longer that I might do a post on a single story. So, today, I'm looking at Herbert West - Reanimator after the jump.

Thirty-one Days of Lovecraft: Day 5

Sketch based off of 'The Other Gods'.

Yeah, I didn't read on Day 4. Who cares? Let's talk about how good of a writer Lovecraft is after the jump.

The Stand and LotR: Part One

I had a full day of teaching and so I didn't get to read any Lovecraft. But, I wrote a rather lengthy comparison of The Stand and The Lord of the Rings last spring. So, I've got your literary analysis covered. Enjoy part one, in which Stephen King explains why the Fellowship didn't just throw the One Ring away:

Thirty-one days of Lovecraft: Day 3

In Day Three, Lovecraft takes a common motif in his writing and makes it much more intimate. Plus, what lies beyond out comprehension? Spoiler alert: it is terrifying!

Thirty-One Days of Lovecraft: Day 2

Day 2 saw some of the best writing that I've seen so far in Lovecraft, but also some of the worst. Read on, dear reader, if you dare!

My Truck and Coheed

In short, for the murders of those I court
I bless the hour that holds your fall
I will kill you all
                 -Coheed and Cambria, The Crowing

“We carried on, unnoticed
 Thinking that all dreams were ours for the taking”
                   -Coheed and Cambria, Atlas

Not going to lie, Claudio's hair is another reason why I love the band.

 My Truck and Coheed 

I think just about everyone has “their band”. I also think just about everyone has “their car”. Both are equally statements about who we are. Both are equally marketed to us. And while, I would not go so far as to say that your band and your car make you who you are, I think they go along way in demonstrating that.

I found both my car and my band at the same time. It was 2005. I had been driving a 1985 Nissan Dodson Pickup. Now, I loved this truck, despite the fact that it 1) did not have a functioning radio, let alone CD player; 2) had no air conditioning; 3) had no cruise control; 4) had very little in terms of horsepower; and 5) suffered from a continually slipping generator belt which either caused a loud squealing noise to come out of the engine or make it impossible to start.

I loved that truck for the simple reason that it was my first vehicle. It was my first taste of freedom. And it did (generator belt issues notwithstanding) run really well. I drove it to school, gave friends rides home, and when I graduated high school, made the 2,000 mile trek from Lake Stevens, WA to Carbondale, IL. No radio, no A/C, no problem. I simply rolled down the window and sang songs that I knew from memory.

A person’s first vehicle is also a sanctuary of sorts, and it’s where one’s musical tastes can shine. The 1985 Dodson was probably the oldest car in the student lot at high school, and I am even more sure it was the only one without a functioning audio system. I couldn’t even listen to the radio. This did not seem to deter friends from wanting a ride, and my truck was often full of four kids and we chatted away to pass the time.

So, it wasn’t until 2005 that I upgraded that I was able to find that musical sanctuary. My parents purchased for me a 2000 Nissan Frontier. It was black. It was higher up than the Dodson. It was bigger. And, it had a functioning audio system.

2005 was a big year of change for me. After two years of living on campus at Southern Illinois University, I moved off campus into an apartment. I was to have my own room. I had to cook on my own. I could keep my own hours without worrying about waking a roommate. And I also got really, really, really into Coheed and Cambria.

Lacking for a musical sanctuary, my musical tastes in high school were tame. I liked classic rock. Journey, Foreigner and U2 were my go-to bands, and this more or less reflected the tastes of my Dad (though, I am more fond of U2 than he is). I could really only listen to music in my room, and not having an iPod or anything like that, I played it fairly safe.

But now, there was no need for that. One of my roommates introduced me to Coheed, and the rest, they say, is history. It’s possible that any band I was introduced to during that year could have become my favorite, because now I could play music in my truck, sing along with reckless abandon.

Coheed and Cambria, for the uninitiated, is a “concept band”. While some bands will complete a “concept album”, in which the songs tell a story, Coheed’s entire discography was a continuation of the story. The story that they tell, without getting into the specifics is a very violent space opera, which follows the main character Claudio in his quest to avenge his murdered parents, Coheed and Cambria.

It also rocks.

For me, it was the perfect band to break into and declare independence from my old self. It was much harder rock than I was used to, the songs were gloriously violent, and maybe above all else, they were mine.

Coheed and Cambria gets some radio play, but I’ve never really considered them to be “big”. I had friends who liked them, but for the most part when I talk about them, I get blank states or, “oh yeah, I think I’ve heard of them.”

As the years went on, I bought more and more of their albums. I purchased the four-disc “Neverender” Live Shows. When Afterman: Ascension came out, it ended up in my truck’s CD player for months until Descension came out. I did listen to other bands, but the one that by far got the most play in the truck was Coheed and Cambria.

In the fall of 2014, I got to listen to Coheed in my truck for the final time. In the midst of all of this, I had changed careers, I had gotten married, and my wife and I were headed to Bozeman to trade in the Nissan Frontier for a Nissan Rogue. It wouldn’t be my truck, but our car. My wife doesn’t like Coheed, and I don’t care for country music, and so our road trips are usually soundtracked with podcasts. As I drove down Montana 16 to pick her up in Glendive, I took full advantage and blasted Second Stage Turbine Blade the whole way.

Of course, bands change as well. In October of 2015, Coheed released The Color Before the Sun, which departed from the Armory Wars saga, and was a stand alone album. The songs did not refer back to anything, they could just be taken as they were. The album was good, I have listened to it several times (even in the car, usually when driving by myself). But, far and away, my favorite song on The Color Before the Sun is ‘Atlas’. Atlas is a song that Claudio Sanchez penned to his newborn son. I really think it’s a beautiful song, and his love for his son really comes through in the piece. The song really resonated with me a year later, when Kodi and I learned we would have our first child. That was when the lines near the end of the song really started to mean something to me. The last verse, repeated once is this:

 There's no running away from what's been done, here
 Will you sink with the ship, or will you burn it down?
 Now, give us the man that you've been hiding
 'Cause this is your, this is your life, this is your life, now

 To me, this line, which seems on its face to be kind of violent and out of place in a song dedicated to your newborn, is actually a really touching reminder to Claudio, and to any dad. It’s time to be responsible. There’s no running away from it, it’s a big moment in your life. It’s up to you to make the most of it. Will you sink with the ship, or will you burn it down, is basically asking if the father will stay or destroy what he’s built. If there’s any doubt to the answer to that question, it’s answered in the next line. “Give us the man that you’ve been hiding” is a call for the man inside to come out. The man who will take responsibility, to provide, to do right by mother and child, that person needs to come out. The line,”This is your life now” probably does not need much of an explanation.

I listen to Atlas from time to time, and it has become one of my favorite Coheed and Cambria songs. It is by far the one I can connect to the most. Each time I listen to it, I feel something slightly different.

Coheed is going back into the Armory Wars. Vaxis Part One: Unheavenly Creatures is set to come out this week. I have loved the songs that have been released, and Unheavenly Creatures is such an insanely fun song, that it’s reminded me of all the reasons I loved the band in the first place. That song in particular has a sort of Favor House Atlantic vibe to it, The lyrics are fun, the pace is fast, the vocals are loud, the melody is unique. I sometimes felt during the Afterman albums that the band was taking themselves to seriously, and the songs weren’t as fun as they could be. I think that the Armory Wars deals with big issues and themes, and some seriousness is needed (it is about war, after all) but, one of the things that made Coheed work was that they clearly were having fun with their work. Their songs weren’t all dreary and nihilistic, there was a hopeful vibe to a lot of their stuff, and above all it was music that was simply fun to listen to.

I think the best example of this, might be The Crowing, which is quoted above. It’s a song about fulfilling destiny, and doing what needs to be done. And the way in which vengeance is promised is downright poetic.

I’m glad that Coheed is finding its groove once again, and I hope it continues. As for me, I might just have to find some reason to go on some solo road trips. There’s just something about the combination of the open road and Coheed that I can’t seem to resist.

Thirty-one Days of Lovecraft: Day One

I read over my page target for day one. Already a sign of madness? Perhaps... Let's see how things went on Day 1 of Thirty-One Days of Lovecraft.

If you read this anthology (HP Lovecraft: The Complete Fiction) from page one, you find Lovecraft's fiction in chronological order. This means that if you are expected to become scared right away, you're not in luck.


This isn't to say that there aren't some spine tingling passages in the opening 45 pages. The entity that speaks at the end of "Beyond the Wall of Sleep" says some chilling things. Things like, "How little does the earth-self know of life and its extent! How little, indeed, ought it to know for its own tranquility! Of the oppressor I cannot speak. You on Earth have unwittingly felt its distant presence-you who without knowing idly gave to the blinking beacon the name of Agol, the Daemon-Star."

In the opening few stories, I think Beyond the Wall of Sleep is by far the best, because it starts to really get into what Lovecraft is known for: cosmic horror. And the cosmos is horrific because it does not care about mankind. From the introduction, written by S.T. Joshi, "...Lovecraft, in a major departure from the previous horror tradition - and, in many ways, from the entire Western literary tradition which habitually if unconsciously stressed the centrality of human beings to the cosmos - would emphasize the insignificance of humanity in a universe that appears to be boundless both in space and time." To Lovecraft, man is so insignificant that we don't even know we're being oppressed by an ancient entity from beyond the stars. We can't comprehend what is going on.

The first story is "The Beast in the Cave" which is not bad considering it was written by a 15-year-old boy. But still, given what we know is coming in the anthology, the twist of the beast being a man and the narrator being rescued after a short time is a bit of a let down. But, as the stories progress, they get more and more nuanced and better. Take, for instance, "The Tomb" a story that has Poe's influence all over it. A boy obsessed with a burial tomb, who comments on his own unreliability as a narrator, who learns secrets from the past by communing with the dead, is a fun tale. It isn't scary, per se, if only because the narrator seems ok with what's going on.

Contrast this with "Dagon", which begins with the narrator saying he's going to commit suicide because he's been driven mad by what he saw. Or "Polaris" in which the North Star drives someone mad. These stories I can get behind because, well, if the narrator is distressed, then I'm distressed.

Madness count: Slow early on, but could make an argument for the narrator going mad in "The Tomb". "Dagon", "Polaris", and "Beyond the Wall of Sleep" all feature people going mad. A character in "Beyond the Wall of Sleep" goes so mad, on account of being possessed by a cosmic entity, but his body can't handle it and he dies. In "Dagon" the narrator commits suicide to stop feeling things.

Is that racist? Not too racist early on. "Polaris" does speak of "squat, hellish, yellow fiends..." but it's referring to a fictional race of aliens, so I don't know that I'd call it racist. Granted, it's not as if authors haven't hidden behind fictional races to say some pretty nasty things about people. (See also, Tolkein's Dwarves are maybe Jews?)

I did have to re-read the beginning of "Beyond the Wall of Sleep" a few times to make sure that I was correct in the ethnicity of Joe Slater, the person that will go insane and die from being possessed by a cosmic entity. He's an inbred person of Dutch Heritage living in the Catskill Mountains. However, Lovecraft writes some very unflattering descriptions of him throughout. Slater is, a "repellent scion of a primitive colonial peasant stock" and "pitiably inferior in mentality and language alike". Before he dies, the entity says of him, "He is better dead, for he was unfit to bear the active intellect of cosmic entity. His gross body could not undergo the needed adjustments between ethereal life and plant life. He was too much of an animal; too little of a man..." Again, this isn't racist for two reasons: 1) Lovecraft is writing about a white man and 2) I think we can give Joe Slater a pass because bearing the active intellect of a cosmic entity is probably very hard. Still, reading this and knowing of Lovecraft's racism still left me a bit uncomfortable during the story.

Up next: Memory, Old Bugs, The Transition of Juan Romeo, The White Ship, The Street, The Doom that Came to Sarnath, The Statement of Randolph Carter, The Terrible Old Man, The Tree, The Cats of Ulthar.

I'm reading more than 35 pages so that when I inevitable don't read for a day, I'm not way behind. See you tomorrow!

Thirty-one Days of Lovecraft: Pre-read

I decided that this October would be a good time to read some Lovecraft. A few years ago, I purchased "HP Lovecraft: The Complete Fiction" from Barnes and Noble. It has been taunting me ever since. I've always wanted to read it, but for whatever reason, I opted not to. 

Until now.

Before I begin reading, I thought I would write out what I know about Lovecraft and what to expect.

For someone who owns a Cthullu plush I have read only a few Lovecraft stories (and the call of the Cthullu is not one of them). As someone who enjoys science fiction, I feel embarrassed that I haven't read more. Time to rectify the situation.

So, what do I know about Lovecraft? I know that Lovecraft was an influential author of science fiction and cosmic horror. His writing helped to elevate the genre of science fiction. From what I think I know, a lot of his horror stems from man confronting an uncaring universe and uncaring cosmic entities.

I also know that Lovecraft was racist, extremely racist. This has been evident from the little reading that I've done, and from numerous scholars. Does that negate his writing? Does it taint his influence? I don't know.

One could argue that horror literature as a genre has a lot to owe to HP Lovecraft, though sometimes that homage has racist overtones. A novel that I really want to read, Lovecraft Country, uses racism as an evil as bad as anything Lovecraft concocted. I will probably read this in November.

Ultimately, the ability to separate Lovecraft's racism from the cosmic horror he writes will come down to an individual reader. Some can probably push it a way, some cannot. Neither of these is a "correct" reading of Lovecraft, or any author. It also would be unfair to make Lovecraft out to be the author with the most baggage. Hemingway, one of my favorite writers, is misogynistic.

Anytime you read an author from a different era, there will be a clash of values. This does not excuse Lovecraft's racism, nor is his racism just a product of our more modern times.  It is worth examining though.

That is what I hope to do.

Each day, I will read 35 pages. By doing so, I will finish the book by the end of the month. I will try to write updates. I'll also put up what's coming next in case anyone wants to follow along or has read stories.

First up: Introduction, The Beast in the Cave, The Alchemist, The Tomb, Dagon, A Reminiscence of Dr. Samuel Johnson, Polaris, Beyond the Wall of Sleep.

How I made my college decision

Pulliam Hall at Southern Illinois University. I loved studying in the library at night and looking at the clock tower.

On Wednesday, a senior asked me how I decided to attend Montana State.It’s a valid question, given that as a senior, this student is probably struggling, or at the least wrestling, with the decision of what to do after high school. She isn’t the only one in the class.

However, the Montana State question is easy. My family all went there (mom, dad, brother, an uncle, cousins). When I went to get my teaching degree, there was little doubt as to where I would go. I lived in Montana just long enough to get in-state tuition, and down to Bozeman I went.

The harder decision was where I would go to get my first degree. I ended up going to Southern Illinois University. But, it was not an easy decision, and I figured I might think back to when I was a senior and explain how I ended up in Carbondale, IL.

The first thing that you need to know about this is that when I began high school, I didn’t even know SIU was a place. And probably, from day one of high school, it was probably a safe bet that I would attend Washington State University. My sister had gone there, I became a huge Cougar fan, I loved Pullman, and since we moved to Lake Stevens, I would get in-state tuition. Even when I was getting information from colleges, I didn’t really think I would go anywhere else. I was, it seemed, destined for Pullman.

My first bit of advice would be to get information. From anywhere. Literally. They’ll send it to you for free. I’d see a commercial that talked about Maine, and the next week I would have received my requested informational packet from the University of Maine. I got stuff from colleges in New Mexico. Iowa, California, probably Alaska. I wanted as much information as I could get. Plus, it is free.

You see, even though I knew I wanted to go to Washington State, I wanted to see what else was out there. I’m the type of person that doesn’t mind shaking things up. Also, by the time I became an upperclassmen, I got a serious case of wanderlust, and I wanted to see someplace new. I probably thought in the back of my mind, I would still go to WSU, but I liked to imagine what else was out there. I didn’t have much direction, more of an all-consuming need for all the information.

And then, the 2002 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament happened.

I love college basketball. It’s one of my favorite sports to watch. And when March Madness rolls around, I get into it. I mean, I seriously consider calling in sick for the tournaments opening games so that I can watch as much basketball as humanly possible. Like anyone else that loves the tournament, I get hooked on those Cinderella teams, and that year, Cinderella wore maroon.

Out of the Missouri Valley, the eleventh seeded Southern Illinois Salukis got their first upset when they downed Texas Tech 76-68. Two days later, the Salukis proved they weren’t one shot wonders, and they took down three seeded Georgia in a nail-biter, 77-75.

It’s one thing to get an upset in the first round, but to get two in a row is a lot for a program like SIU. You get a week of coverage. The school’s name is all over the news. And for a basketball-crazed junior who was wanting to explore the country, an obscure college town in the Midwest that was nicknamed the Salukis was right up my alley.

It was a rainy day in March or April, I’m going to guess a week after SIU’s two upsets, that I was in the guidance counselor’s office looking for colleges. I wanted to go into journalism, possibly work in radio. So, I searched for radio/television programs. To my surprise, Southern Illinois University was on the list. I said to my friend, “Oh, they’re like the Saluskis or something.” Using my “Ask everyone for information” policy, I asked them for information. A week later, I got a packet in the mail.

SIU had a top ten program for radio-television. It was in a small college town (something I was looking for). It was far away, which for me was a plus at the time. I arranged a college visit. My mom and I flew out to Carbondale, I think in May. I toured around campus, met some people in the R/TV program, and honestly, it just felt right.

Campus visits are important. I had been on a few. I remember touring the University of Wyoming (who, if they had kept their journalism program, probably would have gotten me, because I fell in love with Laramie and its scenery). I toured Oregon State University, and didn’t feel the same connection. I toured Washington State and I liked it, but it felt overly familiar. So, that’s my next bit of advice. Go to the college. Sit in on a class if you can. Talk with people. Spend the night. Find a local restaurant. Take in a sporting event. Try to imagine yourself on the campus, going through the campus bookstore, chatting with friends on the quad. I think the college that is right for you will literally grab you and say, “Here, you’ll be home.”

It was a lesson I didn’t fully learn until halfway through my freshman year at SIU. I was going through a serious bout of homesickness, and missing my family. One of my friends said, “We’re your family too.” And it was absolutely true. The bonds you make on a college campus are incredible. You will meet the most interesting people, you will have the most amazing experiences. You should want all of this to happen in a place that feels right to you.

I didn’t make my decision fully until December of my senior year. I had applied to five schools gotten into all of them, and then weighed my options. It is not an easy decision. But, I thought about the places I could go, the opportunities I had at each one, and ultimately decided on SIU. It was the best fit for what I wanted at the time. It was a small college town, it was far away, it had a great program for what I was looking for, and the basketball program was good. It checked all the boxes. Also, and again, this is probably the biggest thing: it felt right being on campus. One night in December I pretended to fall asleep on the couch and listened to my parents. They talked about where I was going to go. My dad guessed SIU. They seemed to agree. I think I told them a week later.

And so, then I got to go through the rigmarole of filling out housing applications, deciding on meal plans, registering for courses and what not. In August, my Dad and I set off for Carbondale, driving cross-country. I got their a week early for band camp, and the rest, as they say, is history.

Quick side note: when you go to college, JOIN SOMETHING. A fraternity or sorority, a group, the marching band, a club, something. College is massive and you will be around more people than you’ve ever known before, and you don’t know how good it feels to be walking through this sea of people, not knowing where you’re going, starting to miss home, wondering if you can cut it at college, when suddenly someone says, “Hey, what’s up!” It means the world. No joke, I took marching band and I had 100 friends before school even started. Be involved in the campus community.

This doesn’t mean, as you might have gleaned, that you won’t miss home. Going off on your own is a huge step. At SIU, at times, I was so homesick that I thought about transferring. But, ultimately, I had made some great friends and had some great opportunities at SIU and I decided to stay. I’m glad I did. Carbondale and SIU has worked its way into my heart. I recently read a column in The Southern Illinoisan titled, “Embrace SIU like the magical place that it is". And Carbondale and SIU truly were a magical place for me. I think back at my favorite study spot (top floor of the library, overlooking Pulliam Hall’s clocktower), the times at Quatro’s with my fraternity brothers, the long nights in the Comm Building putting together a radio show, the absolute insanity of SIU Arena when we hit a lay-up with 0.5 seconds left to beat Bradley, the times hanging out in the SUB, the week of band camp in the heat and humidity, going on wine trails, catching a baseball game on ‘The Hill’, studying the night sky on top of the sciences building, getting to know people from all walks of life in the Residence Halls, running around Campus Lake, camping out all night in front of the new Buffalo Wild Wings, staying up late and having those BS philosophical discussions that can only really happen in your twenties, learning that I did actually like biscuits and gravy from Mary Lou’s, and so much more.

See, while SIU and Carbondale are magical places for me, you have to think about what place is going to be magical for you. College is where you become you. You round out interests, make friends, have experiences (some good, some bad. It’s called being a human). It is the place where you will undergo a transformation into a new type of person.

Maybe that magical place is nearby. Maybe it’s the place that you have always dreamed of going to. Maybe it’s a place that you’ve never heard of. Wherever that is, I hope the college you decide is a great fit for you, and you find that place that you can call home. I hope this helps you in your decision making, at least seeing how I came to my decision. But really, choosing a college is a personal decision. What worked for me, might not work for you, and your criteria for what you want in a school may be different from the person sitting next to you. In a sense, it’s almost like choosing a serious boyfriend or girlfriend. Your criteria is your criteria. And maybe your friend will ask, “What do you see in that place/him/her,” and as long as you’re happy, it works.

Unless you go to Montana. Or Creighton. Who could ever stand those places?

On Felix and mortality

On August 15, 2012, Felix Hernandez achieved baseball immortality. He struck out 12 Rays, the last of whom was Sean Rodriguez. That last punch out put an exclamation point on a perfect afternoon. Felix spun off the mound, pointing to the sky in what has become an iconic moment in Mariners history.

Nearly six years later, we were reminded of Felix’s mortality. On August 7, 2018, Felix went six innings, giving up 11 runs, 7 of them earned. He struck out only 2 batters.

Felix broke into the Major Leagues in 2005, when he started 12 games for the Mariners. He struck out 77 batters, and was almost instantly crowned the King, and the one who would lead the Mariners to the promised land. Back in 2005, the playoff drought that is continuing to this day, could be chalked up to a few rough seasons. But, with a bona fide ace, it seemed that October baseball would return to Safeco.

In the years that followed, Felix went out every five days and more often than not, turned in a great game.  He consistently averaged 8 strikeouts per nine innings. He threw a perfect game, won a Cy Young Award, and went to six All-Star games.

In the meantime, the Mariners were sometimes dismal, sometimes missing out on the playoffs by only a few games. No matter, Felix soldiered on. He declared that Seattle was his city. He never chased a ring, never left. He was loyal to a franchise that seemed content to ride out on the memories of 1995 and 2001.

All of this made the events of last night that much harder to take. Felix has no doubt struggled this year, but of all nights, this was the night where he seemed done. The velocity wasn’t there, the touch wasn’t there (he walked four). Afterwards, Felix looked distraught. His magic arm had let him down.

Now, this isn’t the end of Felix, but it may be the end of Felix as we know him. Felix may not be the power pitcher that he was, but if he can find his touch, learn to paint the corners, he may yet contribute to the rotation.  Life is, after all, about reinvention.

Felix is a year younger than I am, and I have already reinvented myself. I used to work in radio news, found that I did not enjoy that, and became a teacher. My current career is much more rewarding, and I am much happier than I was.

Now, obviously, there are differences between changing a pitching style, and switching careers. Felix has made more money than I could ever dream of on one pitching style. But, I hope that Felix can make the change, because on some level, Felix’s struggles remind me of my own mortality.

Sports does this, though not intentionally. Players come and go, they get replaced. Even the ones that steal your heart, that throw perfect games, that seem to transcend the game. They all get brought down to Earth, and eventually replaced. Consider that the Mariners have been playing baseball for over 40 years. Each year, the roster is tinkered with, players come and go. There is constant replacement in order to achieve the current year’s roster.

And so, we will be replaced as well. It’s just that for most of us, we have longer careers than your typical baseball player. Hopefully, we will stay in our current job and profession longer than a baseball player will. But even still, we come and go. There was an English teacher at my current school before me, there will be one after me.

Even if we are at a place for a long time, the ability to do things exactly the same year in and year out is slim. Each year presents unique challenges. Changes in technology necessitate a change in approach. If you can’t make the changes, you may find yourself being replaced sooner than you wish.

This is what faces Felix Hernandez. He is once more presented with a challenge. He may not be the pitcher he once was. He may not power past hitters. He may never achieve perfection again. But, he may be able to capture a different sort of magic and remain a major part of the Mariners this year and next.

Personally, I don’t believe that The King is dead. But, he must reinvent himself to stave off mortality for a bit longer. 

It’s all anyone can ask.

The 100 Day Food Track Challenge

One of the most frustrating things about not realizing a goal is when you know it was probably attainable if you had just put in the work.

That was me and weight loss this summer.

I was recently talking with a friend who is training for a marathon. I harbor ambitions of running one myself, but need to lose weight just to get back down to a size where running isn't going to totally wreck my knees. I used to love running, but when I got my second degree, the combination of working nights, a full class load, and being tired a lot led me to put on a lot of weight. And it's weight that I've never really been able to shake off.

Two years ago, I actually did really well. I tracked food, I worked out a lot, and I lost about 25 pounds. But, then, I got lazy and I've gained that back (and then some).

I had Grand Plans this summer of working out a lot and getting things in order. It didn't happen. I can only blame myself. I didn't track food, would go without working out for awhile, had more cheat days then I should. Now, school is starting in a little over a week and to no one's surprise, I look the same.

So, I've decided I'm going to try a social media experiment. I'm going to see if I can track my food for 100 days. One thing that I remember about my previous weight loss success was that I tracked my food. At one point, I had logged it for 70 straight days.

I use the app Lose It, which I find does a great job of counting calories and tracking things. I do have a premium account on there, so my FitBit links to it. I am hopeful that 100 days of tracking food, and hopefully a good amount of workouts in there, will lead to some success.

One of the reasons why I'm doing a 100 day challenge is because I'm often times skeptical of those "Lose 30 pounds in 10 days" things. Those always seem 1) dangerous and 2) not habit forming. I want to develop good eating habits and hopefully become a better person at the end of this. Also, 100 is a pretty cool number, so....

I'll update progress. Probably on my Twitter feed I'll have more frequent updates.

Feel free to join me, today is Day 1!